Grandma

This probably is the only image i have of my grandma...taken so very long ago. Back then she was still healthy and here, she is pictured looking at some snap shots i sent her while i was still living in Canada...

Man... i really miss seeing her smile like that. Its been so long since one of those dawned on her face. Recently, her condition has gotten worse and worse... its amazing how fast one dwindles...sometimes i think i may fear that. Seeing her in pain daily and hearing her screams of agony at night while she tries to sleep and being totally powerless to do anything for that is something that kicks you right in the gut. Her gangrene has gotten quite bad and there are now maggots in her little toes eating the rotting flesh. Nobody really sees this stuff except the people who live in this household and my auntie. Everybody just kinda comes visit then go off... not that i blame them for that... i'm glad they came...but they are just as powerless as i am/ we are.

To think back... all of this happened when she kinda lost the use of her legs.. she just lost confidence in everything that required walking and gave up even trying.. muscle atrophy is something that happens very quickly even in the young..and soon her greatest fear that first spawned psycologically, became her reality. Incapacitation and depression soon took over her mind..and she then suffered from dementia. Gangrene was the latest visitor...

Nowadays, she just lies in bed.. she doesn't want to eat much at all...She doesn't even join us for wednesdays dinner anymore (which was a HUUUUGE deal to her previously..and she would by hook or crook, come eat with us. Somehow, when wednesdays dinner abruptly came to a halt, it honestly felt strangely uneasy...kinda like the feeling of you leaving something behind but you don't know what.. but you know you left soemthing behind), maybe i've come to the realisation that i do miss her on wednesdays when shes not there eating dinner with us, while all along i thought this was a silly idea that had no real importance... how wrong i was.
Now she just sleeps the entire day...She looks really weak...but i don't want to take any pictures (even mentally) of what she looks like now... This is how i want to remember her. sometimes i wonder if i could have done more for her...sometimes i wonder if her being alive is a blessing or a curse to herself.... i don't know, nor do i think i want to seek these answers anymore...

Time will take its course...so will events....but mostly, so will Christ